In 1977, the year Elvis Presley died, there were somewhere around 150 Elvis impersonators, but now, according to conservative estimates, there are well over 40,000 known EI's worldwide. Studies have shown that if this continues at such an alarming rate, by the year 2020 one in ten people on planet earth will be an EI.

EI's also come in all sizes and variations, including, but by no means limited to, an Elvis on stilts, a ten member elite Elvis parachute team, a lesbian Elvis who calls herself Elvis Herselvis, several Japanese EI's, a Mexican Elvis aka El Vez, who shares the stage with his three "Elvettes" Priscillita, Gladysita, and Lisa Marie. (see El Vez photo below)

El Vez (Robert Lopez) has an album/CD out titled "G.I. Ay Ay Blues." Some of his songs are a mix of Elvis songs and Mexican Revolution heroes. There are also Chinese EI's, Filipino EI's, Polish EI's, Russian EI's, etc. Practically every nation and territory on the planet has some version of an EI.

This week I received certain information from anonymous top secret sources who have been working closely with "Herbivore" the latest electronic surveillance and intelligence gathering software being used by the CIA, FBI, and NSA. One of our spy satellites has picked up faint signals from deep space which points to the presence of, and I hesitate to type this, but....."Alien Elvis Impersonators."

and they come in all shapes and sizes....

and more...

and more and...

The figure is expected to reach somewhere around 50,000 plus EI's worldwide by years end.....

In the interest of National and International Security I believe it is the duty of each and every red-bloodied American and every red-bloodied non-American to keep an eye on the phenomenally prolific dissemination and replication of unchecked Elvii.

It is for this reason and this reason alone that I have started this thread as a service to all humankind, including those here in FM paranoia. Please feel free to submit information and or pics of EI's which you have encountered both here and abroad. Let's all pull together in a truly non-partisan manner and make our planet safe for generations to come.

By far, the favorite Elvis Impersonator here in Psych Ward 3B is "Extreme Elvis." Lynn Dove just goes hog wild when he does "Love Me Tender, love me true.."

My cousin in the Marines sent me this one from Iraq....Saddam Elvis

Extreme Elvis is good, but I prefer Kim Jung Elvis....He's such a crowd pleaser.

Thanks for bringing this Elvis impersonator thing to our attention, Edgar Gene. It seems you were right as usual. Now it seems the entire free world is being threatened by one of these imposters (Kim ill Elvis of North Korea)....which only goes to show what I've been saying all along...the Paranoia Files is way ahead of it's time besides being prescient.

Luckily, the people who pretend to run this place took me serious when I advised them to hire a couple of psychics like you and Mary. Good job. Keep it up. How is Mary anyway?

I agree 100% Jazmoora. Who would have thought Edgar's warnings about these evil Elvis impersonators would one day become a reality? I wonder how many other things in Paranoia are gonna turn out to be prophetic like this. Scary stuff.

Speaking of stuff, I wonder if paranoia people know that Duck Tape can come in real handy in the event of a nuclear attack from one of these wacko phony Elvis's? Sure it can. You just put solid Duck Tape over all the windows and doors and go about your business like nothing was wrong. The thermo-nuclear generated heat will melt some of the glue on the other side, but you'll be warm and toasty on the tape side. Hope this makes people feel a little safer.

I always said Edgar Gene knew this Elvis Impersonator stuff like the back of his hand. He was right about the fake moon landing too. I wonder why he stopped posting in here...lost his password and sign in name probably. He was always forgetful as hell about the little things.

Edgar Gene, it has been brought to my attention that many Elvis Impersonators (excluding Kim Jung Elvis of course) are actually aliens in disguise, and as such are contributing members of human society. Therefore it has been decided that when aliens do finally takeover the paranoia files and have it firmly under alien control, Elvis impersonator background music will be mandatory listening to all our posters and readers. Enjoy.

You know, Edgar Gene, before I became a member of the clergy and went into the internet missionary field, I was a somewhat well known Elvis Impersonator in and around Las Vegas, Nevada. My first Elvis job was singing to the passengers on a UFO tour bus which made bi-weekly runs from Vegas to Roswell, New Mexico.

Although it was mostly an alien theme on this tour, I really did a jam up job singing the King's hits to all those loonies and UFO freaks. I guess even crazy people love Elvis. You shoulda seen those two skimpily dressed alien dancing girls cut up on that bus when we hit the Roswell city limits. I miss good times like that....and those wild parties at the Roswell Motel....but the pay was pathetic. Yeah, sometimes you just have to look for greener pastures.

Maybe it's just me, but I'm not seeing a problem.

The reason you are not seeing a problem is because you are possessed by the Elvis demon...as are millions around the world. There is hope. You must undergo an exorcism to remove this evil entity. I know a qualified exorcist who can help you be normal again, but first you must submit to a very thorough psychological examination to rule out some type of delusional disorder, and then you must be prepared for the exorcism. Luckily this particular exorcist makes house calls, and I see by your profile that you are residing within his domain of exorcism.

I urge you not to delay the exorcism as this particular demon is especially harmful to the psyche. Please feel free to contact me so that I may make the necessary arrangements. I am the go between...the middle man....I handle the details for the exorcist. Trust me.

Elvis used Duck Tape on practically everything at Graceland.

Quote:

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I'm not seeing a problem...

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People who fall for Elvis impersonators never do..until...until it's too late.

A little known fact....most Elvis impersonators started their careers early on by eating canned dog food along with their banana and mayo sandwiches....Alpo beef chunks usually...with gravy.

Another little known fact....practically all Elvis impersonators live in substandard housing with popcorn ceilings.

Little know fact:

Through the use of CGI, Elvis and Celine Dion can now "team up" as duo. This of course will not help Dion's dismal career.

For almost three years now, I have held secret spiritual meetings in which I have personally contacted the spirit of the late Elvis Presley. In fact, I am the only official spokesperson for him in this life. He has recently informed me that he does not wish to return to earth and has never had any intention of moving back into Graceland.

He is quite happy where he is now and wishes to remain there indefinitely. He has a solid gold spiritual guitar, a 12 piece rocking angel band, a snow white polyester suit with silver ruffles on the sleeves, and he performs a few times each week for the dead.

As for all these Elvis imitators, he is quite amused by them all, and occasionally enjoys coming back to earth in invisible spirit form to attend one of their performances. You see, Cg, Elvis is that kind of guy..laid back, shy, introspective, and always willing to give the other person a chance to prove themselves.

Sometimes he pops back down here to earth where he walks the streets of Memphis or New Orleans or maybe Tupelo or Biloxi...He sits all alone on a park bench or at some lonely desolate rest stop late at night out on the interstate and sings and plays his invisible golden guitar. You never know when he'll be out there, or which location he'll pick that day. It gets real quiet, the birds and frogs stop singing, the wind dies down, not even a cricket cricks, and then the King sings, but you gotta have your spirit properly tuned in order to hear him, and well, that's where I come in. Trust me.

I was just handed a detailed report which suggests that the reason North Korean dictator Kim Il Jung has apparently softened his demands concerning nuclear warhead production and dispersal on the Korean penninsula is due in part to several Elvis sightings in and around the capital city. In one such incident, a confused and slightly trimmer Elvis was inadvertantly surprised by two farmers leading a water buffalo to a nearby kimchi cabbage field where the King of Rock and Roll had fallen asleep for the night.

The Noth Korean leader was immediately taken to the spot by a heavily armed escort of NKP (Noth korean Police) but Elvis had fled into the nearby hills. President Kim has declared that the day of the sighting be declared a national holiday. More updates on this situation as they occur.

Most Elvis impersonators are really bad lovers, and they're all overweight pigs as well. It's like trying to have sex with a seal or something.

Making love to all those Elvis impersonators, how do you find time to post?

One other thing that Elvis impersonators have in common is that they all had an unwanted rectal exam at some point in their lives which traumatized them to the point they came down with PTSD, lost their real identity, and eventually started believing they were actually Elvis. Shows what an otherwise routine trip to the doctor's office can evolve into for some people.

Elvis Impersonator update:

An army of Elvis Impersonators recently gathered in the small Australian town of Parkes, New South Wales, to celebrate the King of Rock and Roll. Since 1993, Aussie Parke'rs have been charming the local blokes and sheilas with their own down-under Elvisisms. This year, the event's theme was "Blue" as in the 1961 Elvis Movie "Blue Hawaii" and the 1956 hit song "Blue Suede Shoes." There was also a very moving Elvis gospel song service, a juicy cheeseburger eating contest, an unimpressive Elvis golf tournament..oh, and a huge Elvis parade.

Meanwhile across the pond in the U.K., things were not quite as festive what with one of U.K.'s Elvis Impersonator perverts being handed a stiff jail term in Teesside Crown Court for sex crimes against children. Ricky Crossley, a 45 year old EI received an additional 4 1/2 years to his previous 10 year sentence, and is banned for life from having any contact with children, and must register as a sex offender for life. One wonders what the real Elvis would have to say about one of his admirers going bad and in such a bad way.

How do you keep your hair so well-coiffed, Rev??

Sister, WindDancer, in the future, please refer to a televangelist's hair as his "bighair" and not simply plain "hair." The difference is quite obvious. As for your grooming question, I trust the care of my spiritually uplifting bighair only to professionals down at the Televangelist's Blessed Boutique and Beauty Salon.

They wash it five times an a special volumizing shampoo, then they apply an all-natural organic conditioner for 15 minutes, and then they rinse it in imported mineral water from France, and then they blow dry it for 20 minutes. Finally they apply a special fluff-inducing hair spray and shape it into the immaculately groomed coiffure that you see in my avatar pic. Don't be fooled by powdered wigs or expensive toupe's like Benny Hinn and Robert Tilton wear. You can tell a lot about a preacher's character and how much money he has in the bank by the condition of his hair.

Elvis impersonators are the result of unauthorized DNA testing done on Elvis Presley by scientists in the NSA. The DNA samples were contaminated and ended up in a bar in Newark, New Jersey where they were sold to people in the Las Vegas mob for 6 million dollars. Elvis Presley's blood cells are hexagonal in shape. That's what really killed him.

I believe that the spirit of Elvis is living inside my body, and I am on a daily basis able to channel that spirit and know what Elvis is thinking and doing. Not only that, when I am fully possessed with the Elvis entity, I actually am able to sing like him. Recently I purchased a new Martin D-35 electric acoustic guitar and have been making recordings of myself when I am channeling the Elvis spirit. I can truthfully say I sound exactly like The King because the King is in me and I am his earth pathway into the present realm.

Obviously this has alarmed some of the staff here at Psych Ward 3-B, and they have tried to take certain measures to prevent the Elvis entity from transforming me into him, but thus far none of their schemings have been successful, nor will they be if I have anything to say about it. Oops..gotta run.

I am not allowed to use the staff computers to post things on Fool Moon or anywhere else, but I know all the passwords and I know how to hack into their system in spite of their silly firewalls and security nets. After all, I am Elvis at least part of the time. You should hear me sing and play "Don't Be cruel" and "Blue Suede Shoes."

Elvis impersonators have been reported missing in several states. Police are baffled, and have no idea what happened to these individuals. They simply vanished with no trace. The FBI has begun an official investigation in to the matter. If you have any information concerning the missing EI's, please post it here or contact your local police or FBI office.

The IAEI (International Association of Elvis Impersonators)is pleased to announce that we will soon be moving into our new modern headquarters building located in downtown Trelona, Wyoming. We welcome all visitors to the site. It is not a well known fact that for a very brief time in 1952, a very young and impressionable Elvis once called Trelona his home. A much-used vintage 1941 D-18 Martin guitar that once belonged to Elvis is currently being displayed behind security glass in our lobby along with photographs of the rock star's mother.

Please be advised that the IAEI is not affiliated with the CoEA (Church of Enlightened Assumption) which is also headquartered in Trelona. Neither the International Union of Elvis Impersonators nor any of its affiliates condones violence against aliens benign or otherwise, nor are we affiliated in any capacity with the Laufenberg Foundation or the MK-Ultra Tobacco Company.