Little know fact:

Through the use of CGI, Elvis and Celine Dion can now "team up" as duo. This of course will not help Dion's dismal career.

For almost three years now, I have held secret spiritual meetings in which I have personally contacted the spirit of the late Elvis Presley. In fact, I am the only official spokesperson for him in this life. He has recently informed me that he does not wish to return to earth and has never had any intention of moving back into Graceland.

He is quite happy where he is now and wishes to remain there indefinitely. He has a solid gold spiritual guitar, a 12 piece rocking angel band, a snow white polyester suit with silver ruffles on the sleeves, and he performs a few times each week for the dead.

As for all these Elvis imitators, he is quite amused by them all, and occasionally enjoys coming back to earth in invisible spirit form to attend one of their performances. You see, Cg, Elvis is that kind of guy..laid back, shy, introspective, and always willing to give the other person a chance to prove themselves.

Sometimes he pops back down here to earth where he walks the streets of Memphis or New Orleans or maybe Tupelo or Biloxi...He sits all alone on a park bench or at some lonely desolate rest stop late at night out on the interstate and sings and plays his invisible golden guitar. You never know when he'll be out there, or which location he'll pick that day. It gets real quiet, the birds and frogs stop singing, the wind dies down, not even a cricket cricks, and then the King sings, but you gotta have your spirit properly tuned in order to hear him, and well, that's where I come in. Trust me.

I was just handed a detailed report which suggests that the reason North Korean dictator Kim Il Jung has apparently softened his demands concerning nuclear warhead production and dispersal on the Korean penninsula is due in part to several Elvis sightings in and around the capital city. In one such incident, a confused and slightly trimmer Elvis was inadvertantly surprised by two farmers leading a water buffalo to a nearby kimchi cabbage field where the King of Rock and Roll had fallen asleep for the night.

The Noth Korean leader was immediately taken to the spot by a heavily armed escort of NKP (Noth korean Police) but Elvis had fled into the nearby hills. President Kim has declared that the day of the sighting be declared a national holiday. More updates on this situation as they occur.

Most Elvis impersonators are really bad lovers, and they're all overweight pigs as well. It's like trying to have sex with a seal or something.

Making love to all those Elvis impersonators, how do you find time to post?

One other thing that Elvis impersonators have in common is that they all had an unwanted rectal exam at some point in their lives which traumatized them to the point they came down with PTSD, lost their real identity, and eventually started believing they were actually Elvis. Shows what an otherwise routine trip to the doctor's office can evolve into for some people.

Elvis Impersonator update:

An army of Elvis Impersonators recently gathered in the small Australian town of Parkes, New South Wales, to celebrate the King of Rock and Roll. Since 1993, Aussie Parke'rs have been charming the local blokes and sheilas with their own down-under Elvisisms. This year, the event's theme was "Blue" as in the 1961 Elvis Movie "Blue Hawaii" and the 1956 hit song "Blue Suede Shoes." There was also a very moving Elvis gospel song service, a juicy cheeseburger eating contest, an unimpressive Elvis golf tournament..oh, and a huge Elvis parade.

Meanwhile across the pond in the U.K., things were not quite as festive what with one of U.K.'s Elvis Impersonator perverts being handed a stiff jail term in Teesside Crown Court for sex crimes against children. Ricky Crossley, a 45 year old EI received an additional 4 1/2 years to his previous 10 year sentence, and is banned for life from having any contact with children, and must register as a sex offender for life. One wonders what the real Elvis would have to say about one of his admirers going bad and in such a bad way.

How do you keep your hair so well-coiffed, Rev??

Sister, WindDancer, in the future, please refer to a televangelist's hair as his "bighair" and not simply plain "hair." The difference is quite obvious. As for your grooming question, I trust the care of my spiritually uplifting bighair only to professionals down at the Televangelist's Blessed Boutique and Beauty Salon.

They wash it five times an a special volumizing shampoo, then they apply an all-natural organic conditioner for 15 minutes, and then they rinse it in imported mineral water from France, and then they blow dry it for 20 minutes. Finally they apply a special fluff-inducing hair spray and shape it into the immaculately groomed coiffure that you see in my avatar pic. Don't be fooled by powdered wigs or expensive toupe's like Benny Hinn and Robert Tilton wear. You can tell a lot about a preacher's character and how much money he has in the bank by the condition of his hair.

Elvis impersonators are the result of unauthorized DNA testing done on Elvis Presley by scientists in the NSA. The DNA samples were contaminated and ended up in a bar in Newark, New Jersey where they were sold to people in the Las Vegas mob for 6 million dollars. Elvis Presley's blood cells are hexagonal in shape. That's what really killed him.