Soon after the fire...

Young anarchist ducktapes kitty cat in Pennsylvania:

Hello, MrDucktape Man. I was both shocked and repulsed by this story coming out of Philly last September. Apparently this young man belonged to some type of organized radical anarchist group, and took out his anger at the govermnment on this poor innocent bystander kitty. After he duck-tapped the cat, he stuffed it into a grocery bag and left it in a neighbor's backyard.

The NWO does not condone the ducktaping of cats, gerbils, parakeets, puppies, goldfish, Vietnamese pigs, or pet rabbits. It is permissable to ducktape lizards, snakes, scorpions, and other cold-blooded poisonous reptile life forms providing the ducktapeee has a ducktaping license and the proper permit from the U.S. Fish and Wildlife Dept.

He certainly wasn't an Anarchist, we only use ducttape for emergency repairs, boats to escape from Alcatraz, towing stuck cars and silencing those pesky NWO agents we have captured. This guy was simply following Homeland Security and the NWO guidelines for protection against a terrorist attack. Obviously he was taking Kitty on a plane and thought this would protect her because that's what the bureaucrats told him, and lord knows the TSA won't protect us.

DAMMIT!!! I need to go eat some butter chicken and cry myself to sleep.

Cat duct-taping update: "Sticky" the duct-taped cat has been adopted by an anonymous family.

In another blatant misuse of duct tape three years ago, a man wrapped his head in a duct tape disguise and robbed an Ashland, Kentucky liquor store. The culprit was tackled in a nearby parking lot by the liquor store employees. When interviewed in jail by reporters, the man responded

"Look at me. Do I look like the duct tape bandit, Baby? I'm no duct tape bandit...do the math and do the home work."

The NWO does not condone the unauthorized misuse of duct tape in this manner. If you know of anyone who is currently using duct tape illegally, please contact ther nearest Homeland Security Office and fill out an official Duct Tape Abuse form 1388-76-911234 GDDT 14. Thank you.