This is more a matter of mental health. As a few of you know I moved back to Michigan to help out my parents. Things have since been seemingly out of control. There are many things happening in our lives right now, some good and some bad as I’m sure is the case with everyone here. However the other day my mother; who can barely walk due to a host of health problems came by our apartment looking for me to go shopping with her. Now sometimes I think ‘oh geez shopping again’, I do not like shopping at all (unless it’s a book store). This particular day I didn’t hear her knocking, I did however not answer the phone early on in the day when she called. I don’t care for talking on the phone either, so she probably figured I wouldn’t answer. It was early on in the day and I was still in bed so I switched it off and went back to sleep. My mother however is a very persistent woman, she came by but again I didn’t hear her knocking at the door.

When I did come down the stairs something told me to look out the peep hole in the door, we do that often because we don’t live in the best of neighborhoods. (That is a whole other story best saved for another day.) Anyways I saw a pair of legs lying on the ground. My heart started pounding. I dashed up the stairs woke Sevi up and got dressed.

The thought going through my mind; “I killed my mother.”

Turns out it was her. She’d come by as I said to get me to go grocery shopping with her. When I didn’t answer the door she went to leave and because she can’t lift her legs as well as she use to she tripped on the steps and fell. The ambulance was called by the time I got back down the stairs and outside to see what was going on. Now my heart is hurting. Ok, I didn’t kill her, I know that now. But here I am being selfish with my time. Of course if she asks me to do something or go something for or with her I do so, I mean she is my mother but she has to catch up to me first. I was home. If I wasn’t home I wouldn’t feel as guilty, at least I don’t think so, but I was home and it is killing me inside.

I can barely sleep at night. I just keep seeing her legs through the peephole. I know she is fine, she fell on her face, nothing broken, but a lot of pain, bruising and swelling but she’s not dead. Still I don’t know how to overcome this feeling that I’ve not done enough? Or that I’ve done something wrong by not answering the phone. Does anyone have any thoughts or advice as to how I can overcome these feelings and move on from this fortuity?

First of all, we are all only human, nobody is a perfect saint, no body can always be there to prevent all harm to those we love.

Secondly, you did not hear her, therefore you could not have answered the door.

Thirdly, what happened that caused her to fall, is a random occurrence, about which you should feel no guilt.

You should care that she was hurt, just like if she fell in her own home or was bitten by a dog, but caring about her hurt does not mean you should put a burden of guilt upon yourself as that does not help her and it certainly is not helping you.

Wish her well, pray for her if that is something that eases your mind, give her your best intentions in your mind, that will help with the feeling of guilt. Most of all, know this is not your fault.

Kelly, you need to set some firm guidelines with your mother just as you would your child, and stick to them. First of all you sound exhausted, and secondly, (and you already know this), your mother is taking major advantage of you. Do you have an aswering machine? If you do, switch it on. You need to tell your mother that you can go shopping on certain days..PERIOD. You are not readily available at her beckoned call. Kelly, you have a life of your own to lead. And stop feeling guilty - your mother had her life, it's time for you to have yours. There are ways to balance your life, to include yourself, your parents, and your own family. It takes a lot of discipline and effort on all parties.

You have absolutely nothing to feel guilty about. If your mother was having a major crisis, she could have called 911. By coming over to your house and falling down is her own fault. She is extremely dependent on you, and you need help. Where are your siblings? Do you have any? If not, well you need to sit down and have a serious chat with your mother. Don't feel guilty because she's your mother. You have to look after yourself, your own needs or you won't be around to look after her or your own family.

When my grandmother was alive, I used to help my mother care for her. What a big job that was! She got to the point where she was calling me 2-3X through the night to come over because she was having either chest pains or stomach pains. At the time, I was pregnant with my 3rd child and had 2 under the age of 5 in the house. When I'd arrive, she would be sitting up smiling and happy to see me - she had woken up and wanted company.

Needless to say, it didn't last long before I was exhausted, and a long chat with my mother and grandmother ensued. Grandma had refused to have that call button thingy around her neck (that was for invalids). She preferred to have us on the run, again, at her beckoned call. We sat her down and explained the detrimental affects that her "games" were having on our lives, and shortly after, she retired to a care home.

It's really amazing how society expects us to be "superparents" and "supercaregivers". In today's world, that's just a myth, don't you think? Where is it written that we don't deserve some quality to our lives? Why do we feel guilty, why do we feel 110percent responsible for our aging parents? It's a MYTH, Kelly. You need to have a serious chat with mom and set limits. Set a weekly shoppping schedule and stick to it. Above all, be honest with your mother about your feelings and try to work something out.

I know you love your mom, but love yourself too, and live your own life. She can fit in to your schedule, you shouldn't be fitting in to hers.

I am glad your mom is going to be okay. I don't know what to say to help you with your feelings of guilt except what the others have said. You can't answer the door if you don't hear it and the falling could happen anywhere. We can't protect everyone from bad things. If you think answering your phone might slow down her persistance you might want to answer the phone and try to be firm in setting up a time that is best for you and her to go shopping.

Since she has trouble walking you might talk to her about looking into getting a scooter through her doctor. Or call one of them scooter store things on tv. They know how to get one. It might provide some measure of comfort to everyone if she could ride some places instead of walking.

Thanks everyone. I really appreciate the advice. I am the baby of 5 so I got the most of it. She had me when she was 32 and the medical problems began soon after. My mother and I talk about everything, but she is a very proud woman as well.

This is the problem: I was raped when I was 16, and I never told my mother the reason being is I knew exactly what her response would have been. "What the hell do you think dating a 20 something year old man would get you?"

Sounds cruel, it is! My thoughts were confirmed when I begin helping her raise a niece and nephew. When my niece was 16 she got pregnant and needed an abortion. I took her even though I have great concerns on the subject but then again it wasn't my body so I let her make the decision even with the bad decisions she's made in the past. Anyway my mother asked about my niece being ill and I eventually had to tell her and her response gave me a sigh of relief because had my niece been home at the time she would have been crying her eyes out. So talking with my mother is easy in some sense, we talk about almost everything but I don't know how to be firm. I've always given her what she's wanted, I'm back in Michigan because she wanted.

So I will have to think of some things to say, plan it out because I try to talk with her and hopefully it'll work.

Joe, we are currently looking into keeping her mobile.

While she was in the emergency room she said, 'I never wanted to grow old and not be able to take care of myself' but as I told her, 'who does?' There isn't much we can do about growing old but I just need some help. My siblings don't have much time, our oldest sister doesn't have a job, hasn't worked any in the past 20 years other than taking care of the 2 kids she didn't want. But still doesn't have much time to spend helping out our mother. I've asked, its impossible to get any help with my siblings. The fact that my father is still battling his cancer with only 40% of one lung fuctioning just adds more pressure to the problem and with no help it is getting to be a little too much for me.

I will talk with my mother over the weekend and let you know how it goes. Thanks again.

Kelly, I would forget about asking your older sister for help. Sometimes it is just easier to do things yourself, than to have to juggle care duties with a sibling. I currently have a similar situation with the ex's mother. She is actually not too difficult to manage, it is the ex's sister that cause all the problems. She is often unable to meet her commitments, is sick or has car problems, the list is endless. When she is 'unavailable' on her scheduled day, someone has to drop everything to fill in. It is not fair, would be much easier if she simply was not involved. At least that way we could have a regular schedule.

Mystic is right. It is not realistic for your mother to expect you to be available on a whim. Talk to her about keeping a grocery list on the fridge. Make one day a week to take her to fill that list. Let's say you take her on a Tuesday, call her Friday morning and ask if she has anything on her list that she requires over the weekend. If she does, go and pick it up for her. If she doesn't stick to Tuesday.

Another thing I have been doing for many years, is cooking meals and putting them into her freezer. She is also a very proud woman, and at first was embarrassed that I did this for her. I simply told her I had made too much and thought she might like it. After a few weeks, she accepted that this was going to continue. Unfortunately now, she does not even know that I send meals three or four times a week. She has Alzheimers. A terrible disease.

I am not sure what the situation is there, but in Australia the local council of almost every area has a 'community bus'. This is a free service for the elderly. Basically you call a day before and the bus picks you up at your home, takes you to the shopping mall, and then takes you home after shopping. This allows the elderly a measure of independence and a safe journey. Perhaps you should contact the city and ask what services they offer the elderly. You might get a pleasant surprise. Some councils here even offer a basic handyman service, clearing gutters, changing light bulbs etc.

An answering machine is also a good idea. It allows you to screen calls. I would strongly recommend to your mother that she not just arrive at your home. You say you do not live in the safest neighborhood? That alone is good enough reason for her not to be wandering about alone. But, what would have happened if you had not been at home? Best to make her very clear on that issue.

Ultimately, though, you are NOT responsible for your mother making the decisions to come over to see you, especially that she did not know if you were at home.

In my professional opinion (as a woodworker/upholsterer), it would appear to me that you derive a lot of your self-esteem from your mother. Which is natural to an extent, all of us draw on things and people around us for our self-esteem. But when it becomes too extreme, that's when we begin to start creating problems for ourselves, and that's exactly what we're doing, creating problems for ourselves.

Before a period of change in my life which I have come to call "The Great Transmogrification", I used to have a lot of regret about things I had done or not done in my past. Things I had done or said to people which I would have given anything to go back and get a chance to do it all over. But the more I watched myself, not thinking too much about it, just watching myself and how this regret would arise in my mind, I came to realize that it was all pure selfishness on my part. There was nothing noble about wanting to go back and do these things over, to do them differently. I wasn't wanting to correct these things, because there was nothing really to correct. I was simply selfishly worried about what other people would think of me, that they would think I was a jerk or an indifferent asshole. All I truly wanted was to go back and change the impression that I thought I had made on these people, to make them see that I really was a pretty nice guy. My self-esteem at that time, just like most people's, was dependent on what I thought that other people thought of me.

How I got rid of this regret would be a long story, but basically, I've come to realize that happiness is just letting go. Suffering requires a lot of work. You have to fret for your house payment, worry over your prescriptions, put in extra hours to get a nicer car so they neighbors will compliment you on it, try to keep those you identify with alive as long as possible. Happiness doesn't require any work, you just let go, and there it is.

Did I mention I'm not a psychiatrist?

Thank you all again for your advice. I did sit down and speak with my mother over the weekend.

Once she seen the seriousness in my face or heard it in my tone she backed away, asking me to run down to the coffeehouse to retrieve some for her. It took a minute but I ignored the request and continued. I told her how I'd been feeling about the 'incident' and of course she said 'it's not your fault'. It didn't make me feel better about it but I'm now sleeping again.

About the grocery shopping thing. It seems that she doesn't always want me to go with her. She wants me to go during the times when she is feeling bad and doesn't really know whether or not she is going to make it. Ok this is the problem. She choses times when I am busy or over exhausted so I'm not totally there and I feel like when I'm not there I'm not giving it my all. And this isn't just for shopping but lawn work, which I actually love doing, little things around the house, which I don't like doing. I don't like shopping of any kind but she wants to shop 2 or 3 times a week.

As of now my oldest sister and I aren't on speaking terms because of the initial incident. I was away for a year when I moved to Arizona so she had to help out with the parentals. But being the baby of the family I've always had to be there. Shopping, doc appts, picking up medications, etc.. I was doing it all these years and now she is throwing the year she spent doing it at me. When I called her to inform her that our mother was in the emergency room, her reply was 'I've been taking her to the doctors over the last two months, why was she by herself?'. Did she even care whether she was ok? No she just wanted to tell me what she's done for her. *sighs*

So we talked through everything, about making a grocery schedule or at least giving me a call and letting me pick the things she needs up for her. She also agreed to give me more notice when she wants something done around the house for her. I actually felt better once we were done talking. I went over there on Monday to take my nephew to his baseball game. Once there she asked me to give her a pedicure. Thats ok, I don't mind, I actually enjoy doing it for her. Afterwards however; 'come to my room for a minute, I got something for you.' we ended up spending almost 2 hours cleaning out her closet. I had something to do but I didn't say anything to prevent her from taking that time from me. She's my mother and I don't want to hurt her feelings. My fear is that I've been doing it so long that she now expects it.

Ironically she has always told me that I need to stick up for myself or people are going to roll over me, which has been the case most of my life. However she does exactly that. And now with my father health deteriorating he too is requesting things of me. I'm not opposed to helping, that is what we are here for right? To help others and ourselves. I just have no time for myself. And when I do take some time for myself; you know locking out the outside world, I come off as antisocial and selfish. It seems like a no win situation for me.

As I said I did feel a bit better after my mother and I discussed the issue, so we will see how it plays out. Thanks again.

Many people are suffering from mental illness. They are not able to work and do other things properly. I have made one community for these peoples who are suffering from mental illness. We should all take some positive steps on this issue.
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Philip Jones

http://www.addictionrecovery.net/michigan --Addiction Recovery Michigan

Hi Anonymous,

I'm not sure you really read through this thread because my mother is not a alcoholic nor illegal drug user, recovering or otherwise. She does take prescription medications on time every day.

We did find out recently that her blood sugar isn't regulated. She's been ill, going in and out since the fall off the porch but now she is doing better. On the 4th we were all out picnicking and having a blast as a family when she began shaking uncontrollably from the unseasonable chill that was happening. She ended up leaving early and sick for a few days. Her blood sugar was low and no matter how much she ate she couldn't get it up above 52.

We were afraid she would end up back in the hospital as she had three Christmases ago when her sugar dropped to 17 and had she'd fallen asleep would have slipped into a coma.

She even tried skipping the insulin shots for the day to allow her sugar to regulate itself. She is currently on two different types of insulin and one still makes her feel a little uneasy. She's still taking advantage of me but I guess these are my dues, I mean she is my mother right?

I do have a question though: With taking care of my parents, I've found that its hard work (no doubt some of you have been through the same thing) I also find it hard to say no to them when they bore me, raised me and whenever I need something I can always go to them. I have siblings, but they only come around if my mother couldn't get a hold of me.

My question is on what level should you seriously consider parents more of a chore then parental figures? Sometimes I enjoy doing things for them, other times I don't. And now because its so often its more the latter of the two. Am I a bad person for feeling this way?

Absolutely not, kelly. It sounds like you bust your butt to meet the needs of your moms and it can only be expected that you're going to get frustrated. What really sucks is that your siblings aren't pulling their weight. I don't know how old your mom is, but it's stories like this that make me dread the day my parents get old. I'm the oldest of three boys and , at 31, am lucky that my mom had me when she was 22. I hopefully don't have to deal with what you're dealing with for quite some time yet

Not sure what I'm trying to say other than to offer some moral support and let you know it sounds like you're doing a good job.

Thanks Stone.

My mother is 63 years old, she had me when she was 32 and I too am 31 years old.

At 63, your mother isn't old unless she wants to be. I'm being serious, Kellysweet--63 isn't old. The normal retirement age is 65, for goodness sake! Old age is 75-85-95!

If you treat her as if she were old, she'll age even faster.

Where is your father? Does he live at home or is he in hospice? How old is he? Are his needs being met?

Now I'll be brutal, but I only mean to help in an unqualified way.

Is it possible that you still feel guilt about your rape? Is it possible that, because your mother blamed you for the rape, you are now trying to make up for 'not listening to your mother?' at the time?

You're the one, Sweetpea. It all centers on you.

No no, my mother still doesn't know about it. I've never told her and my guilt for not going to her (we usually share everything) is about me. On one hand I regret not telling her, on the other I don't because I have a distorted picture in my head of what would have went down had I done so.

My mother is a great woman, and she still is trying. She always says she doesn't want to get old, she doesn't want anyone to have to take care of her, which is wonderful. She is still full of life. However when she does need something, she makes that something into a full day of somethings, or even days of somethings.

My parents are still together, he's 4 years older then her and his health isn't great either. He has Angina, Diabetes, Liver problems, and only 40% of one lung left and is more full of life then my mother. And he is in good spirits.

He also calls on me but I don't feel used by him, (Maybe because I'm daddy's little girl). He only fathered an older brother (from his first marriage) and myself. So my other 4 siblings are not his even though since they've (my parents) been together so long its like they are.

So he only calls on me and he doesn't ask for a full day of somethings although lately he's also been asking for more help then normal.

I wish there was a magic genie I could rub, to make them healthier (because they are really great people, and parents) but I can't. Its just I'm so exhausted.

You give a mixed picture of your parents, Kells. If you need a break, take a break! Just say 'No' the way your siblings have.

Why beat yourself up? We're only human, and we as humans get tired, even when it comes to those we love.

A lot of times we give until we run on empty and we still try to give (Love,Time, and Assistance), but as I said we're only human and we all get tired, sometimes things happen just when we give out, and that's seems to had happened to you.

Just do your best, and don't put the whole world on your shoulder, that's something none of us will ever be able to carry on our backs.

Kelly, you mentioned somewhere, you don't mind helping your Mom, but sometimes those help times extend into days.. of helping. Perhaps you need to establish a boundary between you and your Mother. Don't ask me how to do this, as I have the same problem. I have a difficult time establishing boundaries between myself and another person. I suffer from this and not so kind people have taken advantage of me.

I would start by giving your mother clear guidelines. Then stick to this plan. She may complain and be unhappy, but if this makes you feel guilty, then she will (unconsciously) take advantage of you. Ask her if this amount of time for an event will be enough_____ (fill in the blank). By asking her to participate, she will feel in control and part of the plan. Once she has given you the time needed, be firm with her and tell her OK. Once the event and time is completed and she begs for more, firmly tell her you have other commitments that you have scheduled . This will be bad medicine for her to swallow, but she will get the drift. What is important is to include her input into the scheduling process. She will feel she is in some control.

She also seems like she is missing knowing her ownself. What are her interests? If she is interested in gardening, schedule a date at a garden club with her. Once she knows some of the other women, she will begin attending herself, calling you less....

Just a few ideas.

How about when asked to do 'just one more thing' you reply, "I can't right now, I have a date with my lover at a motel. I'll see about it next time I'm over." Then leave. Repeat when needed. (Not entirely tongue-in-cheek.)