McGUFFIN'S THE UNTRUE NEWS
Oct 30 - Nov 5, 2007


SPECIAL POST-HALLOWEEN DEPRESSION ISSUE

HEAR OUR RADIO DEBATE "COULD STEPHEN COLBERT POSSIBLY BE A WORSE PRESIDENT THAN GEORGE W. BUSH?"
Our fair and balanced panel: Sean Hannity (Conservative), Keith Olbermann (liberal), Jerry Seinfeld (comedian), Dane Cook (non-comedian.)

READ MY BRIEFS

O.J. WILL BE TRIED IN NEVADA FOR KIDNAPPING. He pleads not guilty, requests same jury he had in murder trial.

CHINA ARRESTS HUNDREDS IN FOOD CRACKDOWN. Officials concerned that widely sold brand of cat meat was tainted.

RED SOX WIN SERIES 2 YEARS IN A ROW. Ecstatic fans topple and burn their own cars.


THESE KIDS TODAY

17 YEAR OLD CONVICTED OF HAVING CONSENSUAL ORAL SEX WITH UNDERAGE GIRL RELEASED FROM JAIL
by Kiamesha Lake

Genarlow Wilson was only seventeen when he was tried and sentenced as an adult for having consensual oral sex with an unnamed 15 year old girl. Wislon's ten year sentence aroused indignation and a call for changes in the antiquated state law regarding underage sex. Now 19, Wilson, an honor student, left prison last week after serving two years. He said the first thing he wants to do is find Shaniqua and "get another one of those blowjobs worth doing time for. And by the way, she's legal now."

"As you might expect," Wilson continued "like everything else in jail, the food, the facilities, and the people, the blowjobs are terrible. That's why I want to see Shaniqua."

Does he think he was unfairly convicted? "Yes, but I'm out now and...excuse me, that's my cell, it might be Shaniqua."

After a celebration dinner with his family, Wilson toasted his release and left home, saying that the last time he was at Shaniqua's house two years ago, he had forgotten his Bic pen, and wanted to get it back.



THE KILLER THAT ATE YOUR WALLET

MRSA STAPH VIRUS CAN BE DEADLY.
by Dr. Mel E. Levine

Hey, what's up, Internet??

I'd like to thank the folks who showed up at my gig, the 2:30 AM Monday night show at THE G-SPOT in Clarence Center, New York. It's a bit of a drive from Buffalo, so thanks to those who made it. All six of you. You were a great audience and we had fun right up to the point where you left.

If you're in Malmo Sweden on December 30, you can catch me at Uncle Gustaf's Klub Ho Ha on Garvergatan 640. Hope you can make it. Start time 10:00 PM, but it's always night there in December, so what's the difference when it starts? Try the meatballs.

Is the so-called killer staph virus MRSA deadly? Well, yes, if you happen to be over 80, have a compromised immune system or you're a child. Is it easily caught? It sure is, if you have an open skin wound and brush up against someone carrying the bacteria on them. Will it kill you? It might.

But how great is the danger? About as great as that from Swine flu, Avian flu, Asian flu, and all the other scambola viruses they've promoted to insure pharmaceutical profit. Does the virus exist? Yes. Is it going to kill you? You're still here, aren't you?

Good prevention against MRSA is maintaining a healthy immune system and washing your hands. Other than that, the virus is out there, you're out there, take two aspirin and call me when it's over.

Dr. Mel E. Levine, who bills himself as 'The guy whose initials are his name' is a medical doctor whose avocation is performing stand up comedy. He is not currently practicing medicine.



YOU ARE READING McGUFFIN'S THE UNTRUE NEWS
If we say it's untrue, there's no way you can sue


FURTHER TO THE RIGHT

THE CASE FOR WAR WITH IRAN
Op-ed opinion by Ken Pofter

Iran, which comprises half the axis of evil, is due for an ass-whuppin'.

Aside from their need to conquer America and spread their brand of Islamo-fascism to our children, and their well-known desire to marry our children and darken our grandchildren, their possession of nuclear weapons, their purchase of yellow cake Uranium from Africa, the discovery of mobile chemical weapons labs, their torture and rape rooms, their total ignoring of UN Resolutions calling for them to learn Finnish in six months, their hatred of our freedoms, and our urgent need to fight them there so we won't have to fight them here, are all good reasons to wipe them off the globe. (I have already wiped them off the globe in my home office.)

Iran is a country that condones torture. It spies on its own citizens. It holds people in secret prisons with no access to lawyers. It fails to tell its people what the government is doing. It shows contempt for the rest of the world. This kind of nation cannot be permitted to go unpunished.

It should be an easy war. We grab Ahmadinejad and the many Ayatollahs who actually rule, and bingo, we have instant regime change. Aside from being greeted as liberators, we'll get great caviar and plenty of oil. Once that mission is accomplished we can sweep triumphantly into whatever the big city they have there is called, and topple some statues.

Let's do it. If the going gets rough, well, we're Americans and we can take it. Let us not rest until the bodies of our soldiers and their soldiers litter the ground in Iran. And may the stink of death from the thousands of the slaughtered young remind Iranians, and the rest of the world, that America is a great nation and a noble one.


YOU CAN SKIP THIS PART
Publisher: Fool Moon LLC
Editor in Chief: Mark McGuffin
Art direction and layout: Do you see any art direction or layout here?
Contributing editors: Shirley McGuffin, Melanie Meineke, Finian Feinstein, Fats Abruzzo, RichardMillicent Mile, Avon Proctor, Jean Salt, George S. Prohegan, Dr. Mel E. Levine, Kiamesha Lake, Ken Pofter, Janet Arapico
Costumes: Jamie Mondrian
Subscriptions: Nell Kutulabendalakshmanen-Rose
Out sick this week: Lisa A. Axlerod
Choreographer: Sheridan "Sherry" Lalouette
Counsel: Dewey, Cheatem and Horowitz, of New York
Circulation. Arthur Crowne, MD.


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